I was recently asked to act as guest sommelier at Pourtal, an upscale tasting room and eatery in Santa Monica. When Pourtal's owner, Stephen Abronson, first approached me, my initial reaction was to decline. Not because of anything against Pourtal, you understand. The place, in a word, kills. They have 500 varieties of delicious fortified grape juice at any given time. It's the kind of place you take a wine-lover if you want to make their head explode. But seriously, while I may write about wine from time to time and enjoy the hell out of it I'm no expert. Then Stephen had to go and say the magic words: free booze. Classical conditioning kicked in and I began to salivate. See I'm not just any drunk, I'm Pavlov's Drunk.

So I agreed to help him out on one condition: That I be allowed five conditions.

When he still didn't blink, I hit him with the first of my demands.

"Gas money? For what?" Abronson said.

"Research," I replied. "If you want this wine list to be authentic, it's imperative that I drive to the birthplace of the wine industry itself, Santa Barbara County. I need to fully immerse myself in the appropriate environment for a few days."

"But the wine industry didn't start in Santa Barbara," he said.